Because This Is My Previous Life ~ Coffee

From the archives of my previous life: 
Because this is my life: 

Today I would like to talk about rites of passage. I feel like I have had some important ones recently. No not that whole marriage thing, I am referring to drinking coffee. That is right folks! I am officially a coffee drinker. No more wussy Frappacinos for me. I have been turned on to the real deal, albeit with lots of cream and sugar.

This is a change that I have felt coming on for some time. Slowly but surely I was stepping closer and closer to total conversion. Not to mention, I was broke and needed a new cheap caffeine fix.

So despite several failed attempts before, on Tuesday I gave coffee the old college try(strange phrase since I never tried in college). 3 sugars and roughly a pound of cream later, I became a coffee drinker. I almost made it through an entire cup on Wednesday and today by 11:00 I was on my second cup of the day. I expect to be ready for an intravenous drip by sometime next week.

This rite of passage has already changed my life in so many ways. In converting to coffeeism, I have saved myself roughly 30 bazillion dollars in Frappacinos. I fear for Starbucks future because I can get coffee free at work. Secondly, I now feel the need to invest in a coffee maker for my personal use at home. This means that I am going to have to completely rearrange my kitchen to make room for it. And since my appliances serve solely as decoration in my kitchen, this basically means that I get to redecorate. Thirdly, I feel like I just took a huge step towards securing my "favored daughter" position FOREVER (insert maniacal laugh here)because both of my parents are devout coffee drinkers and I am now the first and only child to follow in their footsteps. Take that Rita! My mom will be impressed and will tell everyone she knows. Just like she did when I learned how to swallow pills at the age of 24, which is a whole other column. My dad will be fatalistic, but upbeat. Yeah, I don't get it either. Fourthly, I have now become a Barnes & Noble core customer. I now am addicted to both of their vices: books and coffee. Lord help us all!