Sleep To Dream ~ Fiona Apple

sometimes i take melatonin to help me sleep. forgetting the vivid, emotional, and frequently horrific dreams it creates. disturbing my normally peaceful slumber.

last night i fell asleep a little after 10. i must have immediately tumbled into my dream. it went like this: i am at home. i know it to be my home even though my dream home looked nothing like my real home. it was small. basically one room. the kitchen separated from the living room/bedroom by counter space. into my home walks some of my friends. here and now, i can't remember who any of them are. i was too fixated on the tall one who walks in last. a man i used to love. it is awkward. even in dreamworld, i remember that he does not speak to me. that he purposely ignores me for reasons unknown.   yet there he stands in my home. i play it cool. polite. he plays sweet, sincere, caring. he disappears thru a door at the back of my kitchen and i follow. it leads to a dark movie theater. as the movie starts we are curled up together and then...

everything changes. i am walking into a room that looks like a unfortunate 1970's church basement or funeral home. wood paneling on the walls. i am here to see one of my favorite writers. i have met her once before. she is standing there conducting a meet and greet. i suddenly feel out of place and stupid. just as i turn to leave (no one has seen me yet, i can escape unnoticed) her best friend, standing next to her, lets out a shrill yell of recognition and pulls me over to the writer. everyone seems to know me, especially the writer and her friend, and are happy to see me. my family appears out of nowhere. specifically my sister and her brand new baby boy.  i tell my sister that the writer's best friend looks and sounds and acts exactly like her best friend. my sister says she doesn't think so. she seems annoyed by that idea. the writer's best friend comes over to talk to me again and suddenly i realize she is ugly. a bad hair, bad skin version of my sister's best friend. i decide to hold the baby. a creepy old lady with a face like a star wars creature wants to hold the baby. i do not want this vomitous looking old hag to hold my precious nephew. my sister makes me give her my nephew. she instantly starts to suffocate levi to death in the folds of skin on her neck. she is doing it on purpose. she is evil. i want to move and grab him away from her. i want to scream for help. i open my mouth and no sound comes out. i can not seem to move. my sister sees what is happening and grabs her son away from her and gives him back to me. his features have taken on an over exaggerated cartoon look. it is awful. as i hold him, his breathing starts to return to normal and his features start to relax. but now the old lady creature is coming towards me again. once again i want to flee but can not move and scream but no sound escapes my lips. i begin to panic.

i wake up in a sweaty, terrified panic.

i had only been asleep for a little over an hour. it takes me a little time to calm down. to realize that my nephew is safe and sound. no george lucas creatures are threatening his safety.  but once i calm down i recall the beginning of the dream.  i fall back asleep covered in blankets and sadness.