Gag Me Lady Gaga

Because My Baby Sister's Vote Is More Important Than Yours.

Just for Rita. My baby sister. And partner in cheesy pop loving crime.

Lady Gaga makes me gag-a.

Clever, right? Don't be jealous. I got skillz.

Here's the deal: I actually enjoy Lady Gaga's previous works. JUST DANCE gonna be okay! I enjoy bad, cheesy pop music. Rita and I refer to Britney Spears as "Brit, Brit" and text each other random Brit Brit lyrics. We listened to the Blackout Album over and over. I love Rihanna. I totally get psyched when K-Dolla Sign-Ha sings to me about my love being her drug and how she and I totally are who we are.

Now that you know the ugly truth and I have totally undermined my own ability to give an intelligent opinion or criticism of music, I will now continue to give you my thoughts on the new Lady Gaga music.

1. If I like bad, cheesy pop and I dislike all of Lady Gaga's new music, does that mean it is good pop? I hope not.

2. So the prosthetics on her face? The bumps? She, in fact, was NOT born that way. So when she says, "born this way" she really means not at all born that way. At all. No, seriously, she wasn't born that way. She added those. Later. For attention. Attention to her Madonna song. It's a Madonna song. I know it. You know it. We all know it.

3. "Edge of Glory." Not slow enough to be a slow song. Not fast enough to dance. What am I supposed to do with it? Just listen? Ugh, boring.  Also, "Born This Way" doesn't make me want to dance either. Unforgivable cheesy pop crime.

4. Gaga is legitimately talented. Listen to "Speechless" from the Fame Monster. She truly does not need the attention grabbing antics. She could show up in jeans and a t-shirt, sit her butt down at the piano, play, and sing. The end. Her and Christina Aguilera both drive me completely crazy with their weirdness. Let's be honest: Ke$sha and Brit Brit NEED to grab attention because they are not really that talented. Gaga and Christina have talent. Their talent is enough. They both sing these songs about acceptance and being who you are and then they both seem to go completely out of their way to put themselves in the spotlight for trashy, weird, creepy, sad behavior. I don't get that. It seems so disingenuous.

5. Gagites. I just made that term up for Lady Gaga extreme fans. I saw on tv these teeny-bopper fans being interviewed outside her concert. They all had made themselves look EXACTLY LIKE HER and they all gave little speeches about how Gaga gave them freedom to be themselves. Ummmm... wait... uhhh... huh?  Really? Babies, in ten or twenty years, you are going to be really embarrassed about that look. Ask Flock of Seagulls fans. Or Madonna-ites. Also, one girl said that, before Gaga, she would never have walked around town in just a leotard and now she totally is comfortable with it. Lady Gaga says, "Your welcome." The rest of us say, "Pants are our friend! Please, put some on!"

6. "Judas." Oh Lady G. No one has ever made not so veiled religious references for shock value. You are so fresh! Where is the sarcasm font when I need it???

Full disclosure: I can only comment on the three radio singles because I haven't listened to the whole album. Fun fact: If I don't like the first three radio singles, I am probably not gonna bother with the album. I did, however, purchase "Fame Monster" when it came out. So I am not hatin' just for the sake of hatin'.